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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.