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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I laugh in the face of normal.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."