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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.