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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...