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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.