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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.