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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?