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I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?