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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again