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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.