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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
why me is me ?
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.