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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Real friends show me their boobs
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?