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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.