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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.