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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.