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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Life is fun! You should get one.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.