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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.