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I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?