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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.