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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude