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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
hilarious