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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out