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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I always advise people never to give advice.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.