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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.