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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.