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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I need a new bad decision.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”