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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
High-five a veteran today.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.