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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?