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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.