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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch