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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.