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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.