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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`