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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
How many V and M can see
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The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?