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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness