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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?