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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.