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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2