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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.