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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.