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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
TEIAM - problem solved
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!