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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."