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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.