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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, Iām gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Iām always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her