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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.