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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.