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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.