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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong