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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.