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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I need more people like me in my life
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.