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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.