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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone