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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.