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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.