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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.