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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
My whole life is based on a true story...
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!