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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
That`s not how I met your mother.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I should come with a warning label.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.