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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...