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¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …