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Quiet people have the loudest minds.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.