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Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.