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Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent