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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!