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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps