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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Gravity is a real downer.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.