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I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.