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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."