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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.