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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.