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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted