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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.