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Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.