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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.