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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.