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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour