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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.