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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?