Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.