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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.