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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...