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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
´s status message is better than yours
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?