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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.