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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?