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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.