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Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping