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I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
My IQ? ... With google or without?
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?