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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.