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I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.