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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet