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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.