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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.