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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.