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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.