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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?