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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
My anger management class pisses me off
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.