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I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.