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Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.