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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.