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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.