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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Hold boobs not grudges.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.