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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.