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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.