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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.