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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.