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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on