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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.