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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?