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A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" ā Age is clearly a word.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily Iām just unpopular.