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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.