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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you