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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.