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I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.