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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"