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I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.