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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.