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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, Iām slowly getting over it.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.