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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!